Your Horoscope

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.

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