Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.