Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.