Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.