Aries | March 21 to April 19
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.