Your Horoscope

You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.

While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.

You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.

Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.

Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.

All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.

You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.

While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.

Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!

A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.

If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?

You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.

Your Horoscope

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20