Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.