Aries | March 21 to April 19

Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.