Your Horoscope

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.


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