Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Artists from around the world would love nothing more than to paint your portrait, but that's mostly because your face presents a number of unique aesthetic challenges.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

A bouncing baby boy will enter your life this week, before shooting across the floor, ricocheting off the kitchen counter, and flying straight out the window again.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Having your teeth fall out in a dream usually signifies pent up anxiety and frustration. Having them fall out while you're still awake, however, signifies something much, much worse.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Everyone laughed when you said the CIA was running mind-control experiments, but they won't be laughing this week when you're admitted to a local insane asylum.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Turns out it's actually two men inside a large horse costume, and that your daughter will be scarred for the rest of her life.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Who is the real prisoner? The man locked behind bars, or the man who is free, but unable to control his own destiny? You'll soon have 20 years without parole to figure it out.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll be swept away by a love that knows no name this week, or so you'll think until coming across the medical term "dendrophilia."

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You're always worried about where your next meal will come from. Sadly, this has less to do with your financial situation and more to do with you being a gluttonous fuck.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The good news is that the world is indeed your oyster. The bad news, however, is that you're allergic to shellfish.