Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.