Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.