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Your Horoscope

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.