Aries | March 21 to April 19

A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.

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