Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.