Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.