Aries | March 21 to April 19
What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.