Aries | March 21 to April 19
The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
1969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.