Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll soon learn it's easier to catch typhoid fever that way, too.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will attend an experimental theater production of Luigi Pirandello's Six Characters In Search Of An Author this week, only to spend the play's entire 90 minutes wishing that there was a fourth wall separating you from the actors.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's been years since you've been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter, and while your relationship overall won't change much, you'll still be relieved to discover that she has recently risen to the rank of Pink Goth.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You won't know whether to feel proud or insulted next week when representatives from Ravensburger travel hundreds of miles out to your farm just to photograph its wheat field for their new line of 12,000-piece puzzles.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her former husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Two hangnails and one cavity later, you will see that you were the victim of one hell of an underwhelming gypsy curse.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've long suspected your job as a studio executive to be vacuous and perhaps even inconsequential, but you'll have it confirmed later on this week when you hire two writers to brainstorm scenarios in which Stella could once again find her groove.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It's not so much the employment of menstrual fluids in your paintings that unsettles others around you, but more your dependence on Jackson Pollock's splatter technique.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After 16 months of study, you will finally acquire a strong enough command of Spanish to exploit the language's inverted question mark in what you've eagerly described as your "most ambitious rotational anagram" to date.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your personal biases will interfere with your work this week, leading the other Ku Klux Klan members to ask that you harass Mexicans on your own time.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Even after having spent 25 years as a geologist, you still freeze up every time you meet someone at a party and they ask you which is your favorite stratum of the earth's crust.