Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.