Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can't be said for your live-in nurse.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sure, smoking won't make you look cool, but at least it'll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn't be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, the duct tape, and the tupperware container will be mostly to blame.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

There's just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.