Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Only you can help yourself this week, as pretty much all the rescue workers, fire fighters, and emergency medical technicians will refuse.