Your Horoscopes

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.