Your Horoscopes

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.