Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.