Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Good things will happen when you least expect them, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought as to when to cut the cake.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand—namely gravity.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 9-year-olds to follow.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.