Your Horoscopes

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

They say there's nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can't seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you'll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, will take three rocket scientists.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

There's nothing a woman remembers more vividly than her wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

All of your Boy Scout training will come in handy this week when you're forced to fight off three grown men in a dark tent.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actually important shit for once.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Just when things seem to be going your way, you'll be forced to get out of bed this week.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though mostly it's just to keep themselves entertained.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you little by little into what was once a woman.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Turns out that all those sandwiches weren't actually named after you, and that "Turkey With Swiss On Rye" is a rather unusual first name.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

By the end of the week you'll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.