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Your Horoscopes

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.