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Your Horoscopes

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.