Aries | March 21 to April 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless In Seattle this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday’s baby shower at all costs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at nearly the speed of sound.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Don’t let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you’re a worthless human being who most likely doesn’t deserve to be happy!
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.