Aries

The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.

Taurus

Your crude and primitive sense of humor will offend lots of people, but just wait until they get a look at your crude and primitive sense of justice.

Gemini

You’re good at thinking on your feet, which means next week’s encounter with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.

Cancer

They say celebrities die in threes, which will be cause for alarm when you achieve sudden fame right after the Tom Cruise/Tilda Swinton murder-suicide.

Leo

You’ll learn the value of patience, compassion, and tolerance next week and be rather disappointed that it’s actually so low.

Virgo

Please stop exclaiming “That’s my jam!” whenever a good song comes on. Everyone knows you are only allowed one jam.

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Libra

Disregard your suspicions: People aren’t secretly plotting to murder you. You can tell by the open, friendly way they say they will murder you right to your face.

Scorpio

You used to think you were pretty dark on the inside, but a run-in with a pavement saw will prove there’s plenty of purple, green, and translucent bits in you too.

Sagittarius

You’ll finally decide to try that new restaurant around the corner this week, thrilling the stars to no end, as they were wondering if you were ever going to give them something to say.

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Capricorn

You’ll actually have an extremely pleasant day Friday due to the extremely powerful narcotics given to you in the severe burn ward.

Aquarius

Be more sensitive to the wishes of others this week, as your indifference to them is affecting your career as a magic-lamp genie.

Pisces

Mars rising in your sign indicates you are something of a coward, mostly because of the way you keep flinching at it.

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