America's Finest News Source.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
America's Finest News Source.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 18, 2017

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they’re still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you’ve only got about seven of them left.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ve always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you’ve never been handy with a bear trap.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Remember: It’s all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.