Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.