Aries | March 21 to April 19
While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it’s tragically prevented you from yelling “Look out!” to yet another group of innocent bystanders.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Somehow, exclaiming “Someone in this very room is the murderer!” lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It’s not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You’re just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what’s around.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll meet your own mortality face to face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there’s no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay’s good and you get to work a four-day week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus-far undetected fascination with candles.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 50th anniversary of Star Wars.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You said you’d retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you’re honoring your word.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The verb “tear” is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.