Aries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Somehow, it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week’s Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ve never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your drug experimentation enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You can’t understand why people keep telling you they’re tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you’re single because you’re “too picky.”
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyper-aggressive bees.