Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While the smiling old woman isn’t lying about her award-winning cupcakes, she is withholding crucial information regarding the depraved and sadistic nature of the local cupcake awards.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you’ll show up Monday to find all the furniture’s gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll experience a desire to strengthen old bonds of friendship, so it’s really too bad that everyone who has known you for more than two years hates you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll be roundly condemned by members of the Academy of Country Music when, despite their specific instructions, you let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Mercury in retrograde in your sign is a signal that you’re about to be run over by some guy backing up his Mercury, which is in turn a sign that the Zodiac is getting just plain lazy.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You thought a life of safari adventures, epic cookouts, and jungle cats awaited you, but it turns out the local Waffle House was not in fact advertising for a “lion cook.”
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You find yourself unable to comply with simple requests this week, as you lack the internal resources to “be cool,” “get down,” or “boogie.”
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars indicate you will wonder for the rest of your life what would have happened if you had just gone ahead and kissed that girl at the party the other night.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll be devastated but not surprised to learn your life is a cheap remake of that of St. Pilaster of Avens, who died in 1421 in a very similar grease fire.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While the pursuit of true love should be your guiding principle in life, the girl at the coffee shop will melt the eyes out of your head with a well-aimed pot of French Roast Sumatran if you don’t stop bothering her.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Only minor and mostly cosmetic changes this week.