Aries | March 21 to April 19
The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you, they just enjoy seeing get hit in the balls.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll suffer from a continuing inability to enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll finally find a man who loves you for who you are, but unfortunately he’s every bit as miserable as you might expect.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but that doesn’t mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at all.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’re not the kind of person who lets your physical handicaps stop you, but that’s because you prey on people with even fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Artistic expression has never been your strength, so it’s frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin doodles on display just to trash them.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes it’s good to just sit back and watch the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it’s good to stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Due to your optimism, your death next week will come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what comes after will be a terrible shock.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A hot bowl of soup and a good night’s sleep can cure many ills, it’s true, but you might want to consider the possibility that you have the world’s worst oncologist.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Unfortunately for your dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
This is a great time for romance in the workplace, if you’re the sort of idiot who thinks that’s even close to a good idea.