Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 13, 2019

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it’s true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You have no idea why you’ve been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it’s probably the TV.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it’s not like their jobs are any better.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

They may tell you you’re deluded and that you’ve lost your mind, but you know good and well that those jabbering, naysaying radiators in your apartment don’t know what they’re talking about.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The stars see nothing but pain and misfortune in your future, but you probably like that, huh? You sick fuck.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people’s emotional involvement with their endings.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It will seem as if everyone is avoiding you all week long, which will be odd considering that the engorged leech on your neck will be removed by Thursday.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you’re starting to regret choosing “hugs” over any number of things that rhyme with them.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.