Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be “Party Town!”
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Remember: It’s always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it’s actually your small jaw that’ll be to blame.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of “sorry!”
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that’s what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you’ve ever made.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Turns out it’s actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.