Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 22, 2017

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn’t seem to mind.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

It’s very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week’s end you’ll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

This week’s revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with nasolingus.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said “Either this wallpaper goes or I do,” but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ve always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it’ll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you’ve tried that already.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ve never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your drug experimentation phase enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You can’t understand why people keep telling you they’re tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you’re feeling for those poor terrified nurses.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will indeed live fairly fast, and you’ll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.