Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you’d be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
As you’ll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven’t been paying as much attention as you’d thought.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.