Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it’s important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you’ll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you’ll pretty much simply die.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’re finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say you’re at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they’re board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you’ll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren’t on backward.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll end next week the same way you’ll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.