Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30 and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately, yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A tall, dark stranger stops by, lucky numbers 7 and 29 are in the studio, and musical guest Vampire Weekend—all that and much, much more, tonight on Later With Libra.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After weeks of setbacks, false alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4-ounce kidney stone this Friday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
More and more, you’re beginning to suspect your nickname might be pejorative.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week when you turn 25.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Ignorance and stupidity will soon be yours when the Tree of Wisdom is cut down to make room for another mall.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truck stops along I-90.