Sagittarius

Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it’s too bad you’re going to miss the whole thing.

Capricorn

You’ll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.

Aquarius

Old promises come due this week when you’re reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.

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Pisces

You’ll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Aries

You’re not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you’re too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.

Taurus

Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.

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Gemini

The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won’t do the job on a city that size.

Cancer

You’ll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.

Leo

You’re starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.

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Virgo

The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they’re trying to work on their own future for once, if you don’t mind.

Libra

Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.

Scorpio

You’ll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it’s probably nothing.

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