Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 2, 2014

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.