Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lightning never striking the same place twice.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ve never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There’s a time and a place for everything, as you’ll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don’t have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it’s better you don’t know.