Aquarius

Your new job in the severe-burn ward is less fun than you’d anticipated, as it turns out the patients show up already like that.

Pisces

It’s a terrible time to travel, start a new romance, or take initiative in business matters, which is odd, zodiac-wise, as it’s usually the other way around.

Aries

You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life’s problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention.

Taurus

Do not doubt for one second that love is real. However, your cutesy, saccharine idea of love is about as far from reality as it is possible to imagine.

Gemini

For the last time: Just because others are getting jiggy with it does not mean society gives you permission to try and follow suit.

Cancer

It may be true that sometimes you feel like a motherless child a long way from home, but for accuracy’s sake, you should just be feeling like a self-pitying asshole.

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Leo

Although you didn’t think you had any “Greatest Hits,” there they are, 10 of them, for sale on cassette tape at a Knoxville-area Flying J truck stop.

Virgo

You’ll never be able to express your love for others, so take what comfort you can in your ability to express a need for more stuffed potato skins.

Libra

You had such great plans for the future, but sadly, they depended on the invention of room- temperature fusion and you learning to get up before noon.

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Scorpio

You’re not sure what you expected, but life as a cliff diver is no different from life as a data entry technician, except for all the cliff diving and the lack of data entry.

Sagittarius

Try as you might, you won’t be able to remember the name of that one movie where Henry Fonda plays a real son of a bitch.

Capricorn

Seriously, if you keep being such a creepo to the stars’ buddy Sophie, they’ll have to remind you exactly who controls the meteor showers in this here cosmos.

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