Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Even if you can’t help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your new love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but pretty soon you’ll probably have to meet in person.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don’t regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A nutty mix-up during your elopement will see you going to the wrong house and abducting the wrong man, but luckily you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with him.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your efforts to write the perfect trucker ballad will be hampered by the jealous ghost of Nashville star Dave Dudley, who keeps spiking your beer.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Three extremely important events will mark your last days on Earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll question your wisdom in hiring such a fanatical personal trainer, but you must admit that those who manage to escape his diabolical Maze Of Fitness Or Death emerge looking pretty damn buff.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve never been more internally conflicted than you’ll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll try with all your might to save poor little Pekingese Tuffy, but there’s nothing any mortal can do when the Lord Of All Beasts announces that any dog smaller than a beagle doesn’t count.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You don’t seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.