Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.