Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 19, 2013

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.