Pisces

You’ll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

Aries

Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

Taurus

Your quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you’d be a really great parent.

Gemini

Your old solution isn’t going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

Cancer

You’ve often said you’d like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you’re promoted to manager of all the bullshit.

Leo

It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

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Virgo

You’ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you’ll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

Libra

Although you’ll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as “the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who.”

Scorpio

The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you’ll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up With In A Lifetime.

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Sagittarius

Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

Capricorn

This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn’t signed that pesky form saying you wouldn’t have any.

Aquarius

You’ll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that “lying down on top of things” has actually become a fad.

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