Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It’s your Uncanny X-men issues.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn’t surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you’d be all set.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There’s nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’d pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don’t worry: They’re not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They’re laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don’t need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there’s a few feet of rope also involved.