Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 5, 2019

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The “king’s men” part you can understand, but you’ve never really comprehended how “all the king’s horses” were supposed to help.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

While it may be true that the Emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the Emperor, you’d walk around naked, too.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announces price hikes on all divine services.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

This week’s revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you’ve been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

When the moment of truth you’ve been praying for all these years finally arrives, you’ll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it’s all been the cat’s fault.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you’re free to go.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While you’re starting to think that your problem is that you’re too “in your head,” it’s actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your attempt to achieve fame no matter the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What’s-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Although they say it’s not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body image standards mean it’s now over during vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While you’re often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it’s made it easy for you to get dates.