Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 7, 2017

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ve never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

There’s a time and a place for everything, as you’ll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don’t have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it’s better you don’t know.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?